I'm Looking Up

I was cleaning my room the other day (rare occurrence) and stumbled upon an old love letter from one of my exes. I began to read it and smirked at the sappiness and strong emotion that was portrayed in the letter. At first I thought it was comical how drastically our emotions can change. The more I read the more I began to think how preposterous this letter was. Every word on that page meant nothing because now I can see that they are empty.

I started thinking about our culture right now and how empty love has become. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce. Love has become a feel good, in the moment idea. There is no “til death do us part”, now it is “til this gets too hard”. We all worry about how we are treated, and in doing this forget what love is all about. Love is not about us. Love is about the other person, but we get so focused on ourselves and our needs that we neglect the person we are with. This doesn’t just happen romantically, but even in our everyday interactions with people. If everyone started focusing on loving each other then this problem wouldn’t exist. No one wants to be the first to put another above them because that risks the chance of not being loved, or at least not feeling it ourselves.

As I begin to think about this and reflect on my personal experience, I came to a point where I didn’t believe in love. I would tell people that I don’t think love can really happen between two individuals. My motto became that of Adam Levine’s song payphone, “If happy ever after did exist. I would still be holding you like this. All those fairytales are full of it. One more frickin’ love song I’ll be sick.” It’s something we all want but won’t get. It’s a hopeful idea that has shown itself hopeless in the world around us. But maybe we all get to this point. Maybe we don’t believe in love until we experience it. Then I realize I’ve been looking horizontally for an answer that I can only find by looking up.

As much as my parents love me and have cared for me throughout the years (and continue to do so), they can never do enough or give enough. A wife or husband, as much as they love you, can never love you enough. You can fill in the blank with the person who loves you the most or who you feel loved by the most, but it still isn’t enough. At some point, they will let you down. At some point, they won’t be able to be there for you. Because they aren’t perfect and can’t give you everything you need. They can’t give you what only God can give you. God’s love for us never changes and it never fails. I’m tired and burnt out on chasing the love and affection of people. I’m tired of expecting from people what people can’t give and rightfully so. I need a love that never fails. I need a love that covers me. I need a love that never gives up and stays committed to me no matter what happens in life. I need a love that believes in me and hopes for me and sees good in me when I don’t.

That’s why today I decided, I’m Looking Up.

Vulnerability #TooClose

It was a nice winter day in the suburbs of Colorado. A mother tried keeping up with her 5 year old boy, Daniel, as they left the house and made their way to the car. Daniel kept looking back, yelling to his mother, "Mom, hurry up, we're going to be late!" Little Daniel had a play date with his friend Andy and wanted to get there as quickly as possible. We may not act giddy like 5 year old boys, but just as Daniel couldn't wait to get to see his friend, we too long for relationship with other people. Whether it is a friendship, romantic relationship, father/son, or mother/daughter relationship, we all want to have someone with whom we can talk to, interact with, and simply be with.

No matter what the type of relationship is, we all long for a connection with another human. As I have grown in friendships I have come to realize that the one thing that connects people on the deepest level is vulnerability. Vulnerability is a magnet that connects two people together. It breaks down walls between you and the person with whom you are being vulnerable. We relate with people who are open and honest about their weaknesses and that is what vulnerability is. Not only does vulnerability connect us to people, but it also allows us to grow. As we become close to people, we realize our weaknesses and areas on which we need to be better. On a personal level, vulnerability allows us to get past our guilt and shame, which leads to freedom in who we are. It also brings to light the areas of who we are that we need to work on in order to become better versions of ourselves. There is power in being able to verbalize these deep, dark and ugly areas of our life. And that is the first step to becoming the best we can be.

Vulnerability is an easy thing to say and talk about, but a hard process to walk through with another person. It's not easy to talk about the things that we struggle with deep down. It's the areas of us that no one knows, and we want to keep it that way. There is fear in vulnerability because we leave ourselves open to the discretion of another person. We leave ourselves open to be wounded. I think this is a universal issue that humanity deals with, but specifically I want to hit on the issue with men. Men have a hard time being open and vulnerable with other men. We want to be strong and not show weakness and in doing that we deprive ourselves from close relationship and personal growth. We have mentors and people that we mentor, but we often miss out on the Jonathan and David(1 Samuel 18-20) relationship that allows us to sharpen each other. The relationship between two people that allows for a deep knowing and understanding of one another through vulnerability. Most of us long for this type of relationship, but are often kept from this intimacy because of fear.

We're often afraid because while vulnerability is the magnet that connects people, it can also be the flip side of the magnet that repels. Vulnerability is taking the first step of letting your walls down and allowing a person into the deepest parts of who you are. It is one of the biggest acts of trust we can make with another person. In an ideal world, people would receive your vulnerability and accept you, but the truth is some people won't. When things get "messy" some friends, lovers, family, etc. will not stick around. This can cause us to pull back and lose trust, keeping us from the connection, love, freeness and healing that being vulnerable with another person can bring.

In an act of vulnerability, let me share with you a glimpse of my story. I grew up not having close guy friends. I mean, I had a good amount of friends, but none where we shared deep things that were going on in our lives. I eventually did find myself a friend who I was close with on that level. I trusted that person more than I had ever trusted anyone before. As we grew closer, I began to tell them about things going on inside me - the deep, uncomfortable-to-talk-about things. That person did not take it well, and as a result, our friendship ended. This situation, inherently caused me to want to withdraw and not let anyone else in. I was beginning to lose trust. Now, as I am on the outside looking in, I realized that through that experience I learned more about myself in that short amount of time than I have in my 20+ years of existence. I learned more about myself, my upbringing and other areas that were normal to me, but may not be the best way to handle situations. What would it look like if we had a friend who we could bare all that we are and they accept us for who we are and walk through life with us. Imagine the growth we would experience and the fullness of intimacy we would have in that relationship.

I have been hurt by people, and I know that you reading this have been hurt as well. Whether it was a parent, friend, significant other, pastor - You fill in the blank________. We have all been hurt. Some wounds are deeper than others, but I would encourage you with this: I am on this journey of finding someone to whom I can be vulnerable, a person I can trust and talk to about the deep parts of me that are uncomfortable to discuss so that I can experience personal growth, as well as the joy of being fully known. There is something scary about being that open and vulnerable with someone. It's scary close, almost too close, but what a gift that would be. I think this is what we all truly desire; to be understood, known and accepted for all that we are. Will you join me on this journey of vulnerability? 

Don't let past hurts or experiences keep you from the true relationships God created us for. Open up your heart and find a person you can trust. Start this journey of vulnerability so you can enjoy true human connection and become the best "you" that you can be.