Awkward Silence

I recently received free tickets to go see the Colorado Rockies play the Arizona Diamondbacks. My friend and I both received 2 tickets, so we set out to find people to go with us. There was this one guy that I really wanted to see it with so I invited him, but he had things going on and wasn’t able to make it. I was bummed because I thought this was a good chance to get to spend some time with a new friend.

This happens to us all more times than not. We invite people to something but they have plans or can’t make it. If you boil it down, people are just busy. All of us are busy. Life has this way of making our lives busy or maybe we feel accomplished for having busy lives and so we add things to our plate. Whatever the reason is, life is busy.

I was thinking about this as I was doing my daily devotion routine. You know, that list of things you do so you can feel close to God and better about yourself. Most of the time, if I’m honest, it just becomes a checklist of things to do in the morning. One morning I had finished reading my devotional book, listened to some worship music, wrote in my journal and ended in prayer. As I was ending in prayer I had this thought that I should just take time to wait and listen.

Without realizing it, the busyness of life had crept into my relationship with God. I became “busy” doing all these things to get close to God when all the while I think He just wanted me to sit, wait and be there. There are a lot of times where I am with friends or doing something but my head isn’t there. I’m thinking about things I have to do the next day or what needs to get done. The whole time I spending with God, I wasn’t really there.

I have started to take 10 minutes, whether in the morning or to take a break from the busy day I’m having, to just sit and listen. I try to keep my mind from wandering to other things and focus on God. At first, it is really awkward. I should be doing something with my life other than sitting here in silence for 10 minutes! But as I begin to take time to sit and listen, I notice the worries and stresses of the day begin to subside and its like I can see in my mind Jesus being elevated above everything else going on. And it’s in that awkward silence that I sense peace, comfort and dare I say, nearness to Jesus.

Psalm 46:10a

“Be still and know that I am God”

Peace, Please

During my 26 years of existence I have been fortunate enough to have done a little bit of traveling. I’ve seen a lot of cool places and have been a part of many adventures. One of these adventures in life came in the form of living in Texas for 4 years. Some friends and I went to an amusement park called Six Flags. I’m not particularly big on amusement rides but it was one of those, expense paid, team building events so I was joyfully required to attend. The day turned out to be pretty stellar until I looked at the next ride for which we were in line. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy roller coasters, I just don’t enjoy straight drops. I should say, my stomach doesn’t enjoy straight drops, resulting in me not enjoying straight drops. I pleaded and looked for ways to get out of this line but was not allowed to do so due to “team building”(as if team building did anyone any good). Finally, it was our turn to get into this ride from hell and my misery was about to begin.

The ride shot us backwards at 60mph in less time than it took for me to realize I had just wet myself. That wasn’t the worst part, that part was actually enjoyable. The worst part came when this ride took us up backward to a point where I was facing the ground 200 hundred feet up and stopped. As I was facing death, I wish I could say that I had the time to think about some manly way of handling this experience but before I knew it we were headed back down and out of no where I heard this blood curdling scream that sounded like a junior high girl when she got her first zit. The worst part is when I realized that noise had come from my mouth. Not in all my years of puberty had I hit such a high note. 

We got to the end of the ride and I was amazed at peoples’ comments. They all told me how much fun I had because I had screamed for joy. They were convinced that I had the time of my life. That is when I realized I had the façade of a god. And I’m not talking about my bulging biceps, chiseled abs and tree trunk legs. I don’t know how, but I managed to trick them all into thinking I had the time of my life. They didn’t know what was really going on and I was not going to tell them. This may be a silly story, but I don’t think I’m the only one with a solid façade. I think we all can put on a pretty face and happy smile, when in reality, hell is breaking loose in our lives.

It seems like when one thing goes wrong--everything goes wrong. Piece by piece if feels like our lives are falling apart. Something goes wrong at our job and if that’s not bad enough we start having problems at home in our personal relationships, the car breaks down and the list continues to go on and on. I began to go through one of these seasons in life and began to pray and just wonder why. I noticed as I prayed and continue to spend time in God’s word my problems did not go away. WHAT! I know, right! Once you’re a Christian, God is suppose to take care of everything and it’s suppose to be smooth sailing. The waves aren’t supposed to rock my ship. My problems did not go away in the blink of an eye like I had hoped, but I did notice a change in me.

As I sat and prayed and pleaded with God to the point of tears--something happened. My soul began to be at ease. The problems were still there and I still had to deal with them and am still dealing with them, but I had peace. The innermost part of me had been settled and an unexplainable peace came over me and rested my worrisome soul.

My outside circumstances didn't change right away, but the inner part of me did. Life still wasn’t going the way I wanted it to, but I knew it was going to be okay. It might not be looking good and it might not get better for some time, but it will be okay. I know, because I’ve been there when all you can bring yourself to do is get on your knees and somehow muster the words--Peace, Please.

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.” –Isaiah 26:3

I'm Looking Up

I was cleaning my room the other day (rare occurrence) and stumbled upon an old love letter from one of my exes. I began to read it and smirked at the sappiness and strong emotion that was portrayed in the letter. At first I thought it was comical how drastically our emotions can change. The more I read the more I began to think how preposterous this letter was. Every word on that page meant nothing because now I can see that they are empty.

I started thinking about our culture right now and how empty love has become. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce. Love has become a feel good, in the moment idea. There is no “til death do us part”, now it is “til this gets too hard”. We all worry about how we are treated, and in doing this forget what love is all about. Love is not about us. Love is about the other person, but we get so focused on ourselves and our needs that we neglect the person we are with. This doesn’t just happen romantically, but even in our everyday interactions with people. If everyone started focusing on loving each other then this problem wouldn’t exist. No one wants to be the first to put another above them because that risks the chance of not being loved, or at least not feeling it ourselves.

As I begin to think about this and reflect on my personal experience, I came to a point where I didn’t believe in love. I would tell people that I don’t think love can really happen between two individuals. My motto became that of Adam Levine’s song payphone, “If happy ever after did exist. I would still be holding you like this. All those fairytales are full of it. One more frickin’ love song I’ll be sick.” It’s something we all want but won’t get. It’s a hopeful idea that has shown itself hopeless in the world around us. But maybe we all get to this point. Maybe we don’t believe in love until we experience it. Then I realize I’ve been looking horizontally for an answer that I can only find by looking up.

As much as my parents love me and have cared for me throughout the years (and continue to do so), they can never do enough or give enough. A wife or husband, as much as they love you, can never love you enough. You can fill in the blank with the person who loves you the most or who you feel loved by the most, but it still isn’t enough. At some point, they will let you down. At some point, they won’t be able to be there for you. Because they aren’t perfect and can’t give you everything you need. They can’t give you what only God can give you. God’s love for us never changes and it never fails. I’m tired and burnt out on chasing the love and affection of people. I’m tired of expecting from people what people can’t give and rightfully so. I need a love that never fails. I need a love that covers me. I need a love that never gives up and stays committed to me no matter what happens in life. I need a love that believes in me and hopes for me and sees good in me when I don’t.

That’s why today I decided, I’m Looking Up.

What is My Meaning in Life?

I have been reading the book Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl. My sister gave it to me and said it was one of the best books she’s ever read, so naturally I decided I would read it. It’s a good book and just so happens to be the source of influence for my blog today.

The author is a Jew that was in a concentration camp. He writes of his time there and comes up with 3 things he believes people find meaning in, which I have written about below.

1. People find meaning by creating a work or doing a deed.

” Frankl said the thing that kept him alive was that he felt he needed to live so he could write his book and tell the world about his idea of logotherapy.  This source of meaning also includes finding purpose in a career or job.

2. People find meaning by experiencing something, encountering someone or love.

Frankl writes, “No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him.”

3. People find meaning in the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering.

The author also states, “We may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement.”

I would say we all experience these 3 ideas in everyday life. We all want a career, someone to love, to experience beauty in creation, and we all have to go through some form of suffering. But I believe we find the meaning of our lives in a specific one.

If you have ever seen the show suits, you know the person Harvey. Harvey has a lot of pillars that are important to him. He values family, trust and many other things, BUT Harvey’s life is centered on winning. He lives out of the playbook of Drake, “All I do is win, win, win, no matter what.” Although he values many things, the meaning of his life is winning at his job.

Like Harvey, I think we value many things. But there is one thing that our lives are centered on and gives us the will to keep pressing on. Frankl states that he felt the need to share his idea of logotherapy with the world and that is what gave him the purpose and will to survive the concentration camp. I began to think about my life and what my meaning was. Through much prayer, journaling, meditating, and talking with people I have come to realize what my meaning is. As Frankl states in the book, “As long as one has a why to live for, he can make it through any how.”

I encourage you to go on this journey. When everything is stripped away, what is it that gets you excited? What gets you up in the morning? Take time to think about it and maybe even journal or write things down. Talk to people, hash it out, and get an answer to the question that I think we all wonder about at some point:

What is my meaning in life?

A Psalm of Benjamin

I am really struggling right now
I say I trust God, but my faith is low
I believe God cares about the little things
But I'm having a hard time seeing it

Does He care that my heart aches within me?
Does He care that my life feels like a window being shattered by a ball?
Can He handle my questions?
Can He handle my doubts?

He promises to never leave me nor forsake me
But I feel forsaken right now

I trust in His Word
I trust His character
He who aligned the solar system
Will align the fragments of my fragile broken heart
He who provides for the birds of the air and beasts of the field
Will provide for His adopted son
Because of His unfailing love for me
The one who told me He would never forsake me
Will stay true to His Word

I will hold on to that
Even though I feel I am holding on by my fingertips
I will still hold on