Awkward Silence

I recently received free tickets to go see the Colorado Rockies play the Arizona Diamondbacks. My friend and I both received 2 tickets, so we set out to find people to go with us. There was this one guy that I really wanted to see it with so I invited him, but he had things going on and wasn’t able to make it. I was bummed because I thought this was a good chance to get to spend some time with a new friend.

This happens to us all more times than not. We invite people to something but they have plans or can’t make it. If you boil it down, people are just busy. All of us are busy. Life has this way of making our lives busy or maybe we feel accomplished for having busy lives and so we add things to our plate. Whatever the reason is, life is busy.

I was thinking about this as I was doing my daily devotion routine. You know, that list of things you do so you can feel close to God and better about yourself. Most of the time, if I’m honest, it just becomes a checklist of things to do in the morning. One morning I had finished reading my devotional book, listened to some worship music, wrote in my journal and ended in prayer. As I was ending in prayer I had this thought that I should just take time to wait and listen.

Without realizing it, the busyness of life had crept into my relationship with God. I became “busy” doing all these things to get close to God when all the while I think He just wanted me to sit, wait and be there. There are a lot of times where I am with friends or doing something but my head isn’t there. I’m thinking about things I have to do the next day or what needs to get done. The whole time I spending with God, I wasn’t really there.

I have started to take 10 minutes, whether in the morning or to take a break from the busy day I’m having, to just sit and listen. I try to keep my mind from wandering to other things and focus on God. At first, it is really awkward. I should be doing something with my life other than sitting here in silence for 10 minutes! But as I begin to take time to sit and listen, I notice the worries and stresses of the day begin to subside and its like I can see in my mind Jesus being elevated above everything else going on. And it’s in that awkward silence that I sense peace, comfort and dare I say, nearness to Jesus.

Psalm 46:10a

“Be still and know that I am God”

Peace, Please

During my 26 years of existence I have been fortunate enough to have done a little bit of traveling. I’ve seen a lot of cool places and have been a part of many adventures. One of these adventures in life came in the form of living in Texas for 4 years. Some friends and I went to an amusement park called Six Flags. I’m not particularly big on amusement rides but it was one of those, expense paid, team building events so I was joyfully required to attend. The day turned out to be pretty stellar until I looked at the next ride for which we were in line. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy roller coasters, I just don’t enjoy straight drops. I should say, my stomach doesn’t enjoy straight drops, resulting in me not enjoying straight drops. I pleaded and looked for ways to get out of this line but was not allowed to do so due to “team building”(as if team building did anyone any good). Finally, it was our turn to get into this ride from hell and my misery was about to begin.

The ride shot us backwards at 60mph in less time than it took for me to realize I had just wet myself. That wasn’t the worst part, that part was actually enjoyable. The worst part came when this ride took us up backward to a point where I was facing the ground 200 hundred feet up and stopped. As I was facing death, I wish I could say that I had the time to think about some manly way of handling this experience but before I knew it we were headed back down and out of no where I heard this blood curdling scream that sounded like a junior high girl when she got her first zit. The worst part is when I realized that noise had come from my mouth. Not in all my years of puberty had I hit such a high note. 

We got to the end of the ride and I was amazed at peoples’ comments. They all told me how much fun I had because I had screamed for joy. They were convinced that I had the time of my life. That is when I realized I had the façade of a god. And I’m not talking about my bulging biceps, chiseled abs and tree trunk legs. I don’t know how, but I managed to trick them all into thinking I had the time of my life. They didn’t know what was really going on and I was not going to tell them. This may be a silly story, but I don’t think I’m the only one with a solid façade. I think we all can put on a pretty face and happy smile, when in reality, hell is breaking loose in our lives.

It seems like when one thing goes wrong--everything goes wrong. Piece by piece if feels like our lives are falling apart. Something goes wrong at our job and if that’s not bad enough we start having problems at home in our personal relationships, the car breaks down and the list continues to go on and on. I began to go through one of these seasons in life and began to pray and just wonder why. I noticed as I prayed and continue to spend time in God’s word my problems did not go away. WHAT! I know, right! Once you’re a Christian, God is suppose to take care of everything and it’s suppose to be smooth sailing. The waves aren’t supposed to rock my ship. My problems did not go away in the blink of an eye like I had hoped, but I did notice a change in me.

As I sat and prayed and pleaded with God to the point of tears--something happened. My soul began to be at ease. The problems were still there and I still had to deal with them and am still dealing with them, but I had peace. The innermost part of me had been settled and an unexplainable peace came over me and rested my worrisome soul.

My outside circumstances didn't change right away, but the inner part of me did. Life still wasn’t going the way I wanted it to, but I knew it was going to be okay. It might not be looking good and it might not get better for some time, but it will be okay. I know, because I’ve been there when all you can bring yourself to do is get on your knees and somehow muster the words--Peace, Please.

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.” –Isaiah 26:3

I'm Looking Up

I was cleaning my room the other day (rare occurrence) and stumbled upon an old love letter from one of my exes. I began to read it and smirked at the sappiness and strong emotion that was portrayed in the letter. At first I thought it was comical how drastically our emotions can change. The more I read the more I began to think how preposterous this letter was. Every word on that page meant nothing because now I can see that they are empty.

I started thinking about our culture right now and how empty love has become. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce. Love has become a feel good, in the moment idea. There is no “til death do us part”, now it is “til this gets too hard”. We all worry about how we are treated, and in doing this forget what love is all about. Love is not about us. Love is about the other person, but we get so focused on ourselves and our needs that we neglect the person we are with. This doesn’t just happen romantically, but even in our everyday interactions with people. If everyone started focusing on loving each other then this problem wouldn’t exist. No one wants to be the first to put another above them because that risks the chance of not being loved, or at least not feeling it ourselves.

As I begin to think about this and reflect on my personal experience, I came to a point where I didn’t believe in love. I would tell people that I don’t think love can really happen between two individuals. My motto became that of Adam Levine’s song payphone, “If happy ever after did exist. I would still be holding you like this. All those fairytales are full of it. One more frickin’ love song I’ll be sick.” It’s something we all want but won’t get. It’s a hopeful idea that has shown itself hopeless in the world around us. But maybe we all get to this point. Maybe we don’t believe in love until we experience it. Then I realize I’ve been looking horizontally for an answer that I can only find by looking up.

As much as my parents love me and have cared for me throughout the years (and continue to do so), they can never do enough or give enough. A wife or husband, as much as they love you, can never love you enough. You can fill in the blank with the person who loves you the most or who you feel loved by the most, but it still isn’t enough. At some point, they will let you down. At some point, they won’t be able to be there for you. Because they aren’t perfect and can’t give you everything you need. They can’t give you what only God can give you. God’s love for us never changes and it never fails. I’m tired and burnt out on chasing the love and affection of people. I’m tired of expecting from people what people can’t give and rightfully so. I need a love that never fails. I need a love that covers me. I need a love that never gives up and stays committed to me no matter what happens in life. I need a love that believes in me and hopes for me and sees good in me when I don’t.

That’s why today I decided, I’m Looking Up.

What is My Meaning in Life?

I have been reading the book Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl. My sister gave it to me and said it was one of the best books she’s ever read, so naturally I decided I would read it. It’s a good book and just so happens to be the source of influence for my blog today.

The author is a Jew that was in a concentration camp. He writes of his time there and comes up with 3 things he believes people find meaning in, which I have written about below.

1. People find meaning by creating a work or doing a deed.

” Frankl said the thing that kept him alive was that he felt he needed to live so he could write his book and tell the world about his idea of logotherapy.  This source of meaning also includes finding purpose in a career or job.

2. People find meaning by experiencing something, encountering someone or love.

Frankl writes, “No one can become fully aware of the very essence of another human being unless he loves him. By his love he is enabled to see the essential traits and features in the beloved person; and even more, he sees that which is potential in him.”

3. People find meaning in the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering.

The author also states, “We may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement.”

I would say we all experience these 3 ideas in everyday life. We all want a career, someone to love, to experience beauty in creation, and we all have to go through some form of suffering. But I believe we find the meaning of our lives in a specific one.

If you have ever seen the show suits, you know the person Harvey. Harvey has a lot of pillars that are important to him. He values family, trust and many other things, BUT Harvey’s life is centered on winning. He lives out of the playbook of Drake, “All I do is win, win, win, no matter what.” Although he values many things, the meaning of his life is winning at his job.

Like Harvey, I think we value many things. But there is one thing that our lives are centered on and gives us the will to keep pressing on. Frankl states that he felt the need to share his idea of logotherapy with the world and that is what gave him the purpose and will to survive the concentration camp. I began to think about my life and what my meaning was. Through much prayer, journaling, meditating, and talking with people I have come to realize what my meaning is. As Frankl states in the book, “As long as one has a why to live for, he can make it through any how.”

I encourage you to go on this journey. When everything is stripped away, what is it that gets you excited? What gets you up in the morning? Take time to think about it and maybe even journal or write things down. Talk to people, hash it out, and get an answer to the question that I think we all wonder about at some point:

What is my meaning in life?

A Psalm of Benjamin

I am really struggling right now
I say I trust God, but my faith is low
I believe God cares about the little things
But I'm having a hard time seeing it

Does He care that my heart aches within me?
Does He care that my life feels like a window being shattered by a ball?
Can He handle my questions?
Can He handle my doubts?

He promises to never leave me nor forsake me
But I feel forsaken right now

I trust in His Word
I trust His character
He who aligned the solar system
Will align the fragments of my fragile broken heart
He who provides for the birds of the air and beasts of the field
Will provide for His adopted son
Because of His unfailing love for me
The one who told me He would never forsake me
Will stay true to His Word

I will hold on to that
Even though I feel I am holding on by my fingertips
I will still hold on

Vulnerability #TooClose

It was a nice winter day in the suburbs of Colorado. A mother tried keeping up with her 5 year old boy, Daniel, as they left the house and made their way to the car. Daniel kept looking back, yelling to his mother, "Mom, hurry up, we're going to be late!" Little Daniel had a play date with his friend Andy and wanted to get there as quickly as possible. We may not act giddy like 5 year old boys, but just as Daniel couldn't wait to get to see his friend, we too long for relationship with other people. Whether it is a friendship, romantic relationship, father/son, or mother/daughter relationship, we all want to have someone with whom we can talk to, interact with, and simply be with.

No matter what the type of relationship is, we all long for a connection with another human. As I have grown in friendships I have come to realize that the one thing that connects people on the deepest level is vulnerability. Vulnerability is a magnet that connects two people together. It breaks down walls between you and the person with whom you are being vulnerable. We relate with people who are open and honest about their weaknesses and that is what vulnerability is. Not only does vulnerability connect us to people, but it also allows us to grow. As we become close to people, we realize our weaknesses and areas on which we need to be better. On a personal level, vulnerability allows us to get past our guilt and shame, which leads to freedom in who we are. It also brings to light the areas of who we are that we need to work on in order to become better versions of ourselves. There is power in being able to verbalize these deep, dark and ugly areas of our life. And that is the first step to becoming the best we can be.

Vulnerability is an easy thing to say and talk about, but a hard process to walk through with another person. It's not easy to talk about the things that we struggle with deep down. It's the areas of us that no one knows, and we want to keep it that way. There is fear in vulnerability because we leave ourselves open to the discretion of another person. We leave ourselves open to be wounded. I think this is a universal issue that humanity deals with, but specifically I want to hit on the issue with men. Men have a hard time being open and vulnerable with other men. We want to be strong and not show weakness and in doing that we deprive ourselves from close relationship and personal growth. We have mentors and people that we mentor, but we often miss out on the Jonathan and David(1 Samuel 18-20) relationship that allows us to sharpen each other. The relationship between two people that allows for a deep knowing and understanding of one another through vulnerability. Most of us long for this type of relationship, but are often kept from this intimacy because of fear.

We're often afraid because while vulnerability is the magnet that connects people, it can also be the flip side of the magnet that repels. Vulnerability is taking the first step of letting your walls down and allowing a person into the deepest parts of who you are. It is one of the biggest acts of trust we can make with another person. In an ideal world, people would receive your vulnerability and accept you, but the truth is some people won't. When things get "messy" some friends, lovers, family, etc. will not stick around. This can cause us to pull back and lose trust, keeping us from the connection, love, freeness and healing that being vulnerable with another person can bring.

In an act of vulnerability, let me share with you a glimpse of my story. I grew up not having close guy friends. I mean, I had a good amount of friends, but none where we shared deep things that were going on in our lives. I eventually did find myself a friend who I was close with on that level. I trusted that person more than I had ever trusted anyone before. As we grew closer, I began to tell them about things going on inside me - the deep, uncomfortable-to-talk-about things. That person did not take it well, and as a result, our friendship ended. This situation, inherently caused me to want to withdraw and not let anyone else in. I was beginning to lose trust. Now, as I am on the outside looking in, I realized that through that experience I learned more about myself in that short amount of time than I have in my 20+ years of existence. I learned more about myself, my upbringing and other areas that were normal to me, but may not be the best way to handle situations. What would it look like if we had a friend who we could bare all that we are and they accept us for who we are and walk through life with us. Imagine the growth we would experience and the fullness of intimacy we would have in that relationship.

I have been hurt by people, and I know that you reading this have been hurt as well. Whether it was a parent, friend, significant other, pastor - You fill in the blank________. We have all been hurt. Some wounds are deeper than others, but I would encourage you with this: I am on this journey of finding someone to whom I can be vulnerable, a person I can trust and talk to about the deep parts of me that are uncomfortable to discuss so that I can experience personal growth, as well as the joy of being fully known. There is something scary about being that open and vulnerable with someone. It's scary close, almost too close, but what a gift that would be. I think this is what we all truly desire; to be understood, known and accepted for all that we are. Will you join me on this journey of vulnerability? 

Don't let past hurts or experiences keep you from the true relationships God created us for. Open up your heart and find a person you can trust. Start this journey of vulnerability so you can enjoy true human connection and become the best "you" that you can be. 

It's A Matter Of The Heart

Have you ever had a dream? A burning desire to do something or become something. Dreams can come in many different shapes and sizes. From the sixteen year old girl who dreams of the day she walks down the aisle to marry the man of her dreams. The young entrepreneur who dreams of starting a business that would one day grow into a Fortune 500 company. The grandmother who prays continually for the well being of her children and grandchildren. A little boy who sees the braveness of his firefighter daddy and dreams of the day he can follow in his footsteps. To the marginalized child who has the seemingly impossible dream of being a television talk show host.

We all have dreams of some kind and they are exciting to us. Some of us are so excited about our new ideas that we have the desire to tell everyone about them. In doing so, we come to realize that other people aren't as excited about our dream as we are. Over the course of telling people of our new found dream, their lack of excitement weighs on our excitement. After a while the dream we were once so ecstatic and thrilled about has become of source of disappointment, a goal that we could never achieve. This reminds me of the story of Ezekiel.

Dreams can form in a variety of ways: an idea, a desire for something to change, and/or simply a desire to be something. Ezekiels' dream came directly from a vision from God (Ezekiel 1-3). Historically, the people of Israel were the people of God. They are the people that were given the Ten Commandments. They were religious people who knew God and knew of the right ways to live. But they had become rebellious (disobedient) to God and His commandments. Ezekiel had a desire to tell these people to turn back to God. Before Ezekiel did this God spoke to him and told him this, "Son of man, let all my words sink deep into your own heart first. Listen to them carefully for yourself. Then go to your people in exile and say to them, 'This is what the Sovereign Lord says!' Do this whether they listen to you or not." (Ezekiel 3:10,11) It was as if God knew something that Ezekiel didn't. God knew how disheartening men can be and how fickle we can be. He knew Ezekiel first had to own and believe his own dream before he could live it. Ezekiel had to get it deep in his heart.

I've had a lot of things I have wanted to do throughout my 25 years of life. One personal goal of mine has always been to bulk up. I have worked out and made plans to work out but I have never stuck to this goal. There are many reasons as to why I never reached this goal. The lighthearted joking of friends that I was suppose to just brush off, the lies that told me I would never see my progress, and all the lies I tell myself have played a role. But the bottom-line is, I am in charge of my dreams and my goals. If I let them die, it's on me. I recently reignited this desire in myself and this time I am going to achieve it. Now I am not doing it for other people, but I'm doing it for me and my personal health. It's no longer a goal for other people to see me as strong and have a rocking body (I mean, who doesn't want that). I'm doing this for me. And I've let this goal grow deep enough within me that I don't care what anyone else has to say.

I want to end this blog with one last story. There was a six grade teacher who had a class full of elementary boys and girls. The teacher had the students write on a piece of paper what they wanted to be. She called up the students one by one and they read aloud to the class what they wanted to be. A little black boy came up to the front of the class and said, "I want to be on TV." The teacher looked at the boy and said, "Why did you write that on your paper?" The little boy replied, "Because that was the assignment and I want to be on TV." The teacher began to ask him if he knew anyone on TV, if anyone in this school had been on TV, or if anyone in his family was on TV. To which he replied, "No, ma'am." She told him to go write something that was reasonable like a police officer or fireman. The teacher told his parents he was being a smart alloc. His parents confronted their son about his behavior. The boys father, who only had a 3rd grade education, said, "How does she know whats reasonable?" He told his son to take what he wrote on the paper and read it when he got up in the morning and before he went to bed at night. That little boy became what he wrote on that piece of paper. The little boys name is Steve Harvey. Don't let anyone or anything stop you from what you want to do. Let your dreams sink deep into your hearts.